Like love, sex encompasses the mind, body and spirit. At the very least, sex provides stress release. At its greatest, intimate sexual expressions can be a transcendental experience of mind-blowing, out-of-body, shared ecstasy. It’s a dance of giving and receiving, connecting and letting go. Sex can become better as you move through life, gaining experience, body awareness, confidence and capacity for emotional and relational intimacy. The connection can be deepened through a trusting emotional bond and shared sensual and spiritual experiences.
Most people desire a fulfilling sexual life and yet many do not prioritize it or talk about it with their partners. Therefore, I encourage you to do the following:
1) Quiet your mind via meditation and ask the deeper self within what you desire sexually.
2) Notice any negative thoughts or beliefs that induce fear, guilt or shame — breathe them out and let them go. Replace them with a mantra such as, “I am a sexual being and deserve a gratifying sexual life.”
3) Write down the issues that are preventing you from having the sexual life you want.
4) Create a plan for how to address and resolve those issues. (For example, talk with your doctor about your medication side effects, hit the gym to feel sexier, get in couples therapy about your relationship issues, seek individual therapy about your addiction to porn, carve out time for coupling, etc.)
5) Because many people are overly focused on their minds, connect with your body through exercise, stretching, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness techniques to increase body awareness and subsequently improve your sexual experiences. Take care of yourself so you feel desirable and confident.
6) Detach from the imperfections we all have physically and focus on your sense of aliveness within, and the passionate energy exchange between you and your partner. Avoid magazines and media with harmful messages about body image.
7) Find your voice and dig up the courage to talk with you partner(s) about your sexual feelings, needs and desires. Be open and honest. Ask your partner what he or she wants (detach from judgment and defensiveness). Be open in your communication and aim to be a good lover (like karma, this will come back at you).
8) Use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements to decrease defensiveness (e.g., “I desire more oral sex” vs. “You never go down on me.”) Similar to parenting and management, sexual communication requires that you give three positive statements for every piece of negative feedback (“I love when you do this, this and this, but am not really loving that…”).
9) Don’t stick your head in the sand and allow days/months/years to go by before you talk with you partner about the fact you aren’t satisfied. Be self-aware and consciously work on improving your sexual relationship(s).
10) Connect with your partner through music, art, dance, poetry, nature, food, and other shared sensual experiences that will set the tone for intimacy and connection. Be open to new experiences and talk openly without judgment.
Everything in life is interconnected. As you evolve psychologically, spiritually and relationally, you will be empowered to discover your authentic sexuality. And, conversely, as you awaken your sexual self, you will tap into powerful life energy that will inspire the rest of your life to blossom!